Life is Beautiful

Its funny what loss does to you. You can be staring at a positive pregnancy test and filled with a variety of emotions that are not what you would normally expect when you have been praying for that result. Excitement, unbelievable love and joy are suddenly combined with fear and bracing yourself for grief. The moment of finding out about life is combined with the fear of death.

I have yet to throw away my pregnancy tests. They are still sitting on the bathroom counter where I can look at them each time I walk by. I realized that I have some type of irrational fear that I will look at them and the result would have changed and everything would be over. Even though this baby is the size of a poppy seed, I love it so immensely that I am crippled in fear over its potential loss.

This week we buried my husband's grandfather. He was a wonderful, wonderful man who has taught us so much about what it means to be married and a parent. It is one of my greatest hopes that my child will be like him in that aspect. As I sat in the church listening to the pastor talk about what lies after life has passed, how it is better than anything here, it occurred to me yet again how truly precious life really is. We were celebrating the life of a wonderful man who led a long, loved life and yet I was not allowing myself to celebrate the life I am carrying and was bracing myself for grief.

Life is beautiful and should be celebrated. My child deserves to be celebrated even if his existence is short. He is already so loved and has changed my life forever. Even if his life is short like his sibling before him, his life is extraordinary.

Therefore, we have made the conscious decision to move forward assuming we will be holding a healthy baby in October. We refuse to live in fear. We are diving full force into this pregnancy for the sake of this baby. My baby's life, however short or long, is a gift.

My Darling Baby,

You are loved so very, very much. You are an amazing gift and I pray to God to keep you safe. You are 4 weeks 5 days old and your life is extraordinary.

Your Mommy