Life is Beautiful

Its funny what loss does to you. You can be staring at a positive pregnancy test and filled with a variety of emotions that are not what you would normally expect when you have been praying for that result. Excitement, unbelievable love and joy are suddenly combined with fear and bracing yourself for grief. The moment of finding out about life is combined with the fear of death.

I have yet to throw away my pregnancy tests. They are still sitting on the bathroom counter where I can look at them each time I walk by. I realized that I have some type of irrational fear that I will look at them and the result would have changed and everything would be over. Even though this baby is the size of a poppy seed, I love it so immensely that I am crippled in fear over its potential loss.

This week we buried my husband's grandfather. He was a wonderful, wonderful man who has taught us so much about what it means to be married and a parent. It is one of my greatest hopes that my child will be like him in that aspect. As I sat in the church listening to the pastor talk about what lies after life has passed, how it is better than anything here, it occurred to me yet again how truly precious life really is. We were celebrating the life of a wonderful man who led a long, loved life and yet I was not allowing myself to celebrate the life I am carrying and was bracing myself for grief.

Life is beautiful and should be celebrated. My child deserves to be celebrated even if his existence is short. He is already so loved and has changed my life forever. Even if his life is short like his sibling before him, his life is extraordinary.

Therefore, we have made the conscious decision to move forward assuming we will be holding a healthy baby in October. We refuse to live in fear. We are diving full force into this pregnancy for the sake of this baby. My baby's life, however short or long, is a gift.

My Darling Baby,

You are loved so very, very much. You are an amazing gift and I pray to God to keep you safe. You are 4 weeks 5 days old and your life is extraordinary.

Your Mommy

Grow Baby Grow!

My blood work came back on Monday and my HcG was at 366 at 3 weeks 3 days. This number is quite high for so early. It seems this baby is currently healthy and growing like crazy. This is the best gift I could possibily be given.

We were also told to schedule our first ultrasound this week. This week we will actually SEE our baby. That is an event I have dreamed of during this entire journey.

Grow Baby Grow!

Love You for a Thousand Years

There are simply no words...

"I have died everyday waiting for you.

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

for a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more"

My darling second baby,

I already love you more than words can even express. No matter how long you are in this world, your existance has already made my entire life have meaning.

Your Mommy

Inspiration

This song has been so inspirational to me lately. Enjoy.

Thousand Years by Christina Perri

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIdjEzZGdVI

Heart beats fast

colors and promises

how to be brave.

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone

all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer.

I have died everyday waiting for you.

Darling don't be afraid

I have loved you

for a thousand years.

I love you for a thousand more.

Time stands still.

Beauty in all she is.

I will be brave.

I will not let anything take away

what is standing in front of me.

Every Breath,

Every Hour,

Has come to this.

One step closer.

I have died everyday waiting for you.

Darling don't be afraid

I have loved you

for a thousand years.

I love you for a thousand more.

And all along I believed

I would find you.

Time has brought your heart to me.

I have love you for a thousand years.

I love you for a thousand more.

One step closer.

One step closer.

Back to the Two Week Wait

So here we are again! Since my blood test came back with good results, we are officially back to assuming there is a possibility for a healthy pregnancy at the end of this two week wait.

This two week wait has been a bit more interesting since I actually have a pregnancy to compare it with. That being said, unlike the experiences before, I'm reading into every piece of scientific data and measurement with a bit more of a pessimistic attitude. I've decided I have a love-hate relationship with charting. I can stare at those damn chart points for hours and google every possibility for days and it won't change the fact that the temperature reading isn't what I want it to be. I actually took my temperature eight times this morning. Eight! The science nerd in me is thriving but that unfortunately means my love life looks a bit like a science experiment and the evidence is spread all over my bathroom sink.

So we're back in the ball game. Today is 8DPO and i'm trying not to notice any symptoms of pregnancy (who am I kidding..) and still keep a positive attitude. The plan now is to start testing on Saturday at 11DPO (I got my last BFP at 10DPO) because Lord knows I can't possibly wait longer than that.

Stick, Baby. Stick.

Sigh of Relief

The results of my blood work came in last night. I was a bit concerned because the results were simply supposed to be posted to my doctor's online database for me to check later but my doctor also called my cell phone as well. My heart about went through my chest when I saw the number on my phone.

Not only was my progesterone normal this cycle but they are certain I also ovulated within the last two weeks. This is simply the best news I've gotten in weeks. A feeling of relief flooded and calmed my entire body and I realized how truly worried I actually had been.

On the negative side, I've realized in the past 48 hours how much I truly do not trust my body to do what it is supposed to do. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm just hurt. I hear what the doctor is telling me but I am at the same time questioning the results. Are the results representative of each cycle? Was it just representative of when you took the test and it may have changed? If my progesterone was fine during the last cycle, then why was I spotting and randomly lose my baby? Maybe it was actually messed up and now it is better for an unknown reason?

Yep. Probably paranoid.

One Step at a Time

Today was a bit tough. It's funny how going to the ob/gyn is a bit of a bitter sweet experience. I've come to the conclusion that I think they should schedule ob and gyn appointments on different days. Arriving and hearing other women gushing about their sonogram pictures or newborn is almost heartbreaking. Even the magazines are about pregnancy. I almost feel out of place.

Today I had my 21 day progesterone blood test taken at the request of my doctor. I am SO THANKFUL I followed my instincts a few weeks ago and requested my progesterone be measured. That original test being taken when it was could have very well saved any future pregnancies by cueing us into an issue.

As the nurse was taking my blood I sat in the same chair where my pregnancy test was taken and was looking into an open room with a sonogram machine. How greatly I wanted to be in that room instead. The irony of the entire appointment was almost too much to handle. I sat getting blood work wishing more than anything that I could be there instead.

Please Lord. Make those results either normal, easy to fix or give me the strengh to understand.

One step at a time...I'll get there...